Only Teachers

Only teachers wish to go gray early. It is a curse in our business to look young. Other teachers feel you need advice. Students think you're a pushover.

Oh, Walt

I am increasingly disturbed that Whitman is being bastardized to sell Levis jeans.

New Career, please

Yesterday, I was chewing out my students for being off-task, which was hurting only themselves because it was a damned review for a test, and a student whispers to get his friend's attention and then sticks out his belly and rubs it.

I just stared at him for a second... SERIOUSLY.

I guess I don't have the kind of mentality to deal with the kind of ignorance expressed by teenagers, because even after kicking him out of class I was shaking with anger.

I'm not that old, but when I was in school I would have never dreamed of being such an ass IN THE CLASSROOM. I saved that for behind my teacher's back, like any halfway intelligent person.

NaNo No No

No nanos for me this year. I contemplated it, but like everything else I have contemplated lately, it has fallen by the wayside in favor of lying around and complaining.

October

Oh, hey, Hi October!

I'll be back from this totally pointless break from blogging in the coming weeks.

Oh hey

Oh hey, it's August! Oh hey, I have accomplished NOTHING I set out to accomplish this summer. Oh hey, I've lost all desire to write anything beyond a facebook/twitter status update. Oh hey, I have to go back to work next week.

Oh hey, BLAH.

The Lazy Ass Blahs

For a very long time I have been stuck in this place, and instead of getting better--it is getting progressively worse. This place includes me being a lazy ass and being totally ambivalent about my lazy ass ways.

My brain just feels fuzzy, and my energy is zero, and my ability to feel satisfaction in any activity is at an all time low. I'd love to blame this on pregnancy, but the bottom line is I felt this way even before I spent 15 weeks feeling like I would never be well again. Sure, I'm more tired than I used to be, but now instead of lying on the couch watching TV from being mentally/emotionally exhausted, it's physical exhaustion.

As excited as I am about this new parenting page in my life, this year has been incredibly difficult. And, for some reason, I keep expecting that difficulty will go away. The bottom line is, when your parents are getting a divorce (no matter your age), the difficulty doesn't go away. I might be able to suppress it for a while, but it's always still there and it's always still amazing how much it can hurt. And in some ways, they fact that I'm pregnant makes it worse. All the things I imagined my child doing with their grandparents has drastically changed, and it hits me at odd times to remember that.

Writing, which used to be my solace, is something I rarely do. I started a pregnancy journal and haven't written in it in over a month. Partly because I got tired of writing, "I puked today. WHEN WILL IT END?" and partly because I feel I have nothing to say anymore. I read my old stories/novels and think, hmm, that's nice, and then turn on the TV. I actually submitted one of my novels and was rejected. I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be, but I can't help but wonder if subconsciously it's kept me away from the whole process.

My job depresses me. I am so disappointed and disillusioned with my school and its leadership. Usually, in the summer I forget how sucky teenagers are and I get excited about starting over and trying out new things. Last week I had to go up to my building and work on some things and I just felt overwhelming dread.

I feel like I'm empty and can't seem to enjoy the things I should (uh-oh, that sounds like one of those depression med commercials).

I think in a weird way, I do really poorly with waiting. And, I kind of feel like that's all I'm doing until December. For some reason, I can't get myself into the moment.

Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails

We had our "big" ultrasound yesterday. Basically, the ultrasound that tells you girl or boy. R. was running a little late, so the ultrasound tech started without him. In about a second, she put the wand down and says, "I know what it is, we'll just wait for your husband."

Listen lady, I am no dummy. If you know THAT quick, I know what you saw and what it is too.

So, R. finally got there and she showed us the "scrotum and penis" about 10 gajillion times, repeating the terms "scrotum and penis" about 10 gajillion times a long with it. I LOVE seeing the baby, and it is so weird to think that that is growing inside me, but one only needs to see baby scrotum and penis so many times.

SO, we're having a boy! Exciting. A little daunting just since my only familiarity with boys is from working in daycare. I grew up with all sisters and never got peed on! I should probably start bracing myself now.

Best part so far, my sister saying: "Oh my God you have a PENIS growing INSIDE you!"

Ah, family.

Yah, I'm going to complain about pregnancy some more...puke!

Here is the most difficult part of pregnancy for me right now at just under 16 weeks. I am full. I just ate one huge ass grilled chicken sandwich at McCalister's deli (delicious, fyi). It is HUGE. It is the type of sandwich I would normally be able to eat maybe half of, but I ate the whole thing and two pickles. There is no room left in my stomach. In fact, my stomach feels like its stretching. I'm pretty sure there's still food in my esophagus because there just isn't room in the stomach. Physically, the inn is FULL.

HOWEVER

I'm hungry. Not just a little hungry, but oh-my-God-I-want-to-cry hungry. And yet, there is no room! Any time I burp I am afraid some of the food might return because it just cannot find a place to digest. Any more food in my stomach and I am afraid my stomach might just burst. But, I'm of the feeling that if I don't eat, I am going to puke. And after a lovely morning puke of toast (uncomfortable), I just don't want any more bread making it's way back UP.

In conclusion, I love my baby and I'm sure one day this will all be worth it, but sweet jesus pregnancy is HARD.

P.S: Off on a little mini vacation. I may even come back with stories that do not involve me puking. Maybe. I really, really hope.

I am Ioway born and bred, And on Ioway corn I'm fed

Thursday we headed up to Iowa to help celebrate my Grandpa's 85th birthday. My Grandpa is an amazing guy for a lot of reasons. One of them is that even at 85, he still goes to work every day. Of course, his work is his passion and a place he built from the ground up.

It was R's first trip up to my Grandpa's antique airport and it was fun to show him a place that held so much magic for me when I was a kid. R got to take his first ride in an antique plane:

My first and only ride was when I was much younger. Let's just say, while I may have inherited a lot from my Grandpa--a love for flying is not one of them. R. loved it.

I think I'm still recovering from the 10 hours in the car on Thursday. Luckily, it's a lazy 4th for me with no plans until tonight and the incessant downpour that began about 5am hasn't let up so the neighborhood is nice and quiet.

Have a Happy 4th!